10
annoying phone conversations in mathrees
When
former Safaricom head honcho, Michael Joseph said that “Kenyans have peculiar
calling habits,” he wasn’t kidding. A majority of hustlers who use mathrees can
write a book fleshed from the phone calls that play out on their way to build
the nation. Here are some of the most annoying phone calls that will assault
your ears in public transport:
1. Social
climbers
These are
the types of passengers who get a kick from impressing strangers. She may not
know anyone in the 14-seater matatu, but will loudly speak on her phone,
telling whoever is on the other side to reserve VIP tickets for a James Ingram
concert at the Safaricom indoor arena.
She will
let it slip that she wants six tickets at Sh10,000 each.
2. The
4-1-1
A matatu
ride from Westlands to town takes 10 minutes, during which time Jane will have
called Mary for a yapping session about Mercy’s child.
Then she
will call Mercy and tell her that Mary’s child has a condition that’s a result
of witchcraft. Then Caren will be told that Mercy and Mary are fighting over a
man who impregnated Mary!
3.
Wannabe millionaires
“I only
put three million in the deal, but I expect seven million before the weekend,”
the wannabe millionaire who burns CDs in town will say and continue, “Yes, I
loaned Kidero some money but hajafanya mambo... sijui nimpitie?” He will
then look around to see whether other passengers have noted the kind of person
they have on board.
“Those KRA
guys were on his neck and he asked me for 14 million shillings to cool them
off,” he will continue after telling the conductor to “punguza sauti ya
music!”
4In a matatu ride from the CBD to Ngong Road, this
woman will receive several phone calls and everyone would know of her
three-month rent arrears, that her children have been suspended from school and
the hubby has eloped with her hairdresser, that the cobbler has lost her prized
shoes and that the butcher wanted to sleep with her to write off her two-kilo
meat debt.
5. Liar,
liar pants on fire
These are
the types who lie, even when they don’t have to. She will pick a call and say
she is heading to Kikuyu town, yet the matatu is plying the Kawangare route.
Her next caller will be lied to that she is going for a funeral in Kisumu, yet
everyone knows Kisumu folks only bury on weekends, not Tuesdays.
6.
Domestic minds
This man
will call his wife and asks, “I thought Kimbo kadogo is Sh60? Never buy
from Waweru’s kiosk, he is expensive, hata alikataa kunipatia deni ile siku
mshahara ilichelewa.”
He will
alight at the next stage, his phone still held to his ear, and continue, “Hata
nashuka gari nakuja kwa nyumba in two minutes, lakini hio mchele ya
Mama Kui sio grade one, sindio?”
7. White
caller slaves
These are
women who carry their office into a matatu. “Hello, this is Ann from the
insurance. I am following up on the education policy that we spoke about last
week.” She will rattle off; calling 30 clients by the time she alights.
8. Kondoo
wa Mungu
These are
pastor types, who upon realising the caller has a problem, will promptly
instruct that they kneel down on the other side of the line before launching
into a lengthy prayer, banishing demons, cursing false friends, and praying for
Jubilee headquarters and the tea bonus!
9. The
braggarts
They will
let the world know that their last born has been admitted to Mang’u High School
and by the time she’s through, everyone will know their first born is at
Strathmore University, second born in the US, the third in the UK studying
engineering...
10.
Madeni gunia kumi
These are the ones who keep
ducking madeni, lying they’re in Eldoret chasing payments, and will
promptly pay back the money in two days’ time. He will tell another creditor
that he’s outside an M-Pesa kiosk, and that the matatu has just left town,
heading to Rongai, and it’s
