10 habits of relatives from shagz

10 ANNOYING HABITS OF RELATIVES FROM SHAGZ

There are things in life which you have no choice over. One is relatives. You are stuck with them for better or for worse, especially for worse. Although you mostly bond with some during funerals, harambees and the occasional graduation bash, there are others who are experts at visiting their blood relations in the city, where they bring their annoying habits. Here are 10 such:   

1. Kudunga hema

This breed visited your home and was only to stay for the duration of some job interview. But that was during the 2010 World Cup -which they watched - and now we’re in 2016 and they have grown beards and others tu-nyosh Wame dunga hema hadi your small toi thinks they’re elder siblings! 

2. Visiting with ‘useless’ gifts 

It’s harvesting time and the villager comes to the city with a sack full of malenge, yams, cassava and a live chicken whose food is a 50-kilo bag of maize which they drag to your home where the chicken feeds from the balcony despite a clear ‘no pets policy’ from the landlord. Feeding this relative and giving him fare back home is more expensive than the gifts they brought. 

3.Vuta stool nikupe udaku

They tell endless stories, never mind half of them are lies which they tell when everyone is tired and it’s bedtime. The most annoying is starting a story like: “Unajua baba Githendu?...alikufa!” And then they move on to a list of other dead relatives you have never heard of, before launching on a tale about an uncle who married a barmaid with five grown children; and the rela who divorced and ‘divided’ everything, including pets. They will only stop when they realise everyone is dozing!

4.The family police

They play family cops, finding faults with the way your kids are behaved,  fed and always frowning on how ‘disrespectful’ they are to elders, besides comparing them with children of the late uncle Githendu and Oh! hizi vikombe ni kidogo!

 

5.Nataka nyama, kuku

These relatives feel insulted when food is served minus meat, chicken, fish and other proteins. Never mind, they came visiting with the aforementioned yams, malenge and cassava and the chicken only fed on maize for two days before it faced the knife. They will drink all the sodas in the fridge even when it’s freezing cold. raining and the mathree will take like three hours. 

6. Nipe bus fare

You clearly remember how they came without any fare. After staying for a very long time,they ask for the fare back, besides gifts to take home to the wife of uncle Githendu who is now a widow. You give them fare only to hear they never went to shagz, but are in another relative’s place in Rongai. 

7.Playing savior

Relatives capitalise on distant relations whom you have a beef with and blame their indulgence on witchcraft as the reason for all your misfortunes, and they’re the Messiahs who will save your family from all your enemies. 

8. Lazy bones

While the job interview ended during the 2010 World Cup, they’re still around. Never mind in all that time, they rarely do dishes, wash the family car or do household chores. Instead, they prefer lazing on the sofa watching that Nigerian movie called I Ate Your Mother over and over again. Then they demand lunch and 4pm tea. 

9.Drinking like hell

It could be that the host family are front-pew Christians, but this relative will still bring his hard-drinking of makali to the family while singing war and circumcision songs as they make their triumphant entry to the gate in between womanising (the mboch) and quarrelling with your jiranis.

After a decade of kudunga hema, these relatives finally leave hesitantly and no sooner to they arrive in the village than they start leaking your family secrets to all and sundry. They start with your family menu and how your small cups ni za uchoyo, and on to how you drink and arrive home late, besides how wanting a parent you are by raising brats!