10 habits of relatives from shagz

10 ANNOYING HABITS OF RELATIVES FROM SHAGZ

There are things in life which you have no choice over. One is relatives. You are stuck with them for better or for worse, especially for worse. Although you mostly bond with some during funerals, harambees and the occasional graduation bash, there are others who are experts at visiting their blood relations in the city, where they bring their annoying habits. Here are 10 such:   

1. Kudunga hema

This breed visited your home and was only to stay for the duration of some job interview. But that was during the 2010 World Cup -which they watched - and now we’re in 2016 and they have grown beards and others tu-nyosh Wame dunga hema hadi your small toi thinks they’re elder siblings! 

2. Visiting with ‘useless’ gifts 

It’s harvesting time and the villager comes to the city with a sack full of malenge, yams, cassava and a live chicken whose food is a 50-kilo bag of maize which they drag to your home where the chicken feeds from the balcony despite a clear ‘no pets policy’ from the landlord. Feeding this relative and giving him fare back home is more expensive than the gifts they brought. 

3.Vuta stool nikupe udaku

They tell endless stories, never mind half of them are lies which they tell when everyone is tired and it’s bedtime. The most annoying is starting a story like: “Unajua baba Githendu?...alikufa!” And then they move on to a list of other dead relatives you have never heard of, before launching on a tale about an uncle who married a barmaid with five grown children; and the rela who divorced and ‘divided’ everything, including pets. They will only stop when they realise everyone is dozing!

4.The family police

They play family cops, finding faults with the way your kids are behaved,  fed and always frowning on how ‘disrespectful’ they are to elders, besides comparing them with children of the late uncle Githendu and Oh! hizi vikombe ni kidogo!

 

5.Nataka nyama, kuku

These relatives feel insulted when food is served minus meat, chicken, fish and other proteins. Never mind, they came visiting with the aforementioned yams, malenge and cassava and the chicken only fed on maize for two days before it faced the knife. They will drink all the sodas in the fridge even when it’s freezing cold. raining and the mathree will take like three hours. 

6. Nipe bus fare

You clearly remember how they came without any fare. After staying for a very long time,they ask for the fare back, besides gifts to take home to the wife of uncle Githendu who is now a widow. You give them fare only to hear they never went to shagz, but are in another relative’s place in Rongai. 

7.Playing savior

Relatives capitalise on distant relations whom you have a beef with and blame their indulgence on witchcraft as the reason for all your misfortunes, and they’re the Messiahs who will save your family from all your enemies. 

8. Lazy bones

While the job interview ended during the 2010 World Cup, they’re still around. Never mind in all that time, they rarely do dishes, wash the family car or do household chores. Instead, they prefer lazing on the sofa watching that Nigerian movie called I Ate Your Mother over and over again. Then they demand lunch and 4pm tea. 

9.Drinking like hell

It could be that the host family are front-pew Christians, but this relative will still bring his hard-drinking of makali to the family while singing war and circumcision songs as they make their triumphant entry to the gate in between womanising (the mboch) and quarrelling with your jiranis.

After a decade of kudunga hema, these relatives finally leave hesitantly and no sooner to they arrive in the village than they start leaking your family secrets to all and sundry. They start with your family menu and how your small cups ni za uchoyo, and on to how you drink and arrive home late, besides how wanting a parent you are by raising brats!

10 most annoying phone conversations in matatus

10 annoying phone conversations in mathrees

When former Safaricom head honcho, Michael Joseph said that “Kenyans have peculiar calling habits,” he wasn’t kidding. A majority of hustlers who use mathrees can write a book fleshed from the phone calls that play out on their way to build the nation. Here are some of the most annoying phone calls that will assault your ears in public transport: 

1. Social climbers

These are the types of passengers who get a kick from impressing strangers. She may not know anyone in the 14-seater matatu, but will loudly speak on her phone, telling whoever is on the other side to reserve VIP tickets for a James Ingram concert at the Safaricom indoor arena.

She will let it slip that she wants six tickets at Sh10,000 each. 

2. The 4-1-1

A matatu ride from Westlands to town takes 10 minutes, during which time Jane will have called Mary for a yapping session about Mercy’s child.

Then she will call Mercy and tell her that Mary’s child has a condition that’s a result of witchcraft. Then Caren will be told that Mercy and Mary are fighting over a man who impregnated Mary!

3. Wannabe millionaires 

“I only put three million in the deal, but I expect seven million before the weekend,” the wannabe millionaire who burns CDs in town will say and continue, “Yes, I loaned Kidero some money but hajafanya mambo... sijui nimpitie?” He will then look around to see whether other passengers have noted the kind of person they have on board.

“Those KRA guys were on his neck and he asked me for 14 million shillings to cool them off,” he will continue after telling the conductor to “punguza sauti ya music!”

4In a matatu ride from the CBD to Ngong Road, this woman will receive several phone calls and everyone would know of her three-month rent arrears, that her children have been suspended from school and the hubby has eloped with her hairdresser, that the cobbler has lost her prized shoes and that the butcher wanted to sleep with her to write off her two-kilo meat debt. 

5. Liar, liar pants on fire

These are the types who lie, even when they don’t have to. She will pick a call and say she is heading to Kikuyu town, yet the matatu is plying the Kawangare route. Her next caller will be lied to that she is going for a funeral in Kisumu, yet everyone knows Kisumu folks only bury on weekends, not Tuesdays.

6. Domestic minds

This man will call his wife and asks, “I thought Kimbo kadogo is Sh60? Never buy from Waweru’s kiosk, he is expensive, hata alikataa kunipatia deni ile siku mshahara ilichelewa.”

He will alight at the next stage, his phone still held to his ear, and continue, “Hata nashuka gari nakuja kwa nyumba in two minutes, lakini hio mchele ya Mama Kui sio grade one, sindio?”

7. White caller slaves

These are women who carry their office into a matatu. “Hello, this is Ann from the insurance. I am following up on the education policy that we spoke about last week.” She will rattle off; calling 30 clients by the time she alights.

8. Kondoo wa Mungu

These are pastor types, who upon realising the caller has a problem, will promptly instruct that they kneel down on the other side of the line before launching into a lengthy prayer, banishing demons, cursing false friends, and praying for Jubilee headquarters and the tea bonus! 

9. The braggarts

They will let the world know that their last born has been admitted to Mang’u High School and by the time she’s through, everyone will know their first born is at Strathmore University, second born in the US, the third in the UK studying engineering...

10. Madeni gunia kumi

These are the ones who keep ducking madeni, lying they’re in Eldoret chasing payments, and will promptly pay back the money in two days’ time. He will tell another creditor that he’s outside an M-Pesa kiosk, and that the matatu has just left town, heading to Rongai, and it’s

 

 

bungoma wonderkid

Three-month old talking baby shocks people in Bungoma

Baby Joy Wangila, said to be talking at three months of age, at their home in Bilaa B village in Tongaren constituency, Bungoma county, September 17, 2016.

A talking three-month old baby has sent shock waves through Bilaa B village in Tongaren constituency, Bungoma county and beyond

Residents flocked to Patrick Wasike and his wife Salome Wangila's home to see the baby said to verbally express feelings such as hunger and the need to relieve herself.

They asked elders to look into the case of baby Joy Wangila as such has never happened in the village.

Wangila told journalists at their home on Saturday that she was also shocked that her first child, who was born healthy, started speaking at a tender age.

''My child just says words... When she wants to eat something she asks for it. If you refuse to give it to her she begins to cry,'' she said.

Babies sometimes say their first words at nine months of age, and construct sentences between one and a half years and two months.

Manea Namaemba, the child's grandmother, said Joy spoke for the first time on August 2.

"The mother wanted to breastfeed her but she demanded porridge," said Namaemba.

"She spoke again while I was digging for potatoes for lunch. A neighbour came and asked for the potatoes and the child told her not to eat anything from this home."

She said the baby left them in "total shock".

Joy's grandmother said she has not stopped talking since then and asks for milk, porridge and to breastfeed. 

The expressionist: HOW KENYAN LEADERS DISRESPECT THE DEAD DURING BURI...

The expressionist: HOW KENYAN LEADERS DISRESPECT THE DEAD DURING BURI...:  1.PODIUM FOR ABUSE. Many of our leaders actually go to the funeral NOT ...

HOW KENYAN LEADERS DISRESPECT THE DEAD DURING BURIAL CEREMONIES

1.PODIUM FOR ABUSE.
Many of our leaders actually go to the funeral NOT to mourn the deceased but to exchange with other politicians simply because the funeral has brought people from different political orientation. some even use abusive words that are beyond their standards (words used are annoying and shameful ) making people to wonder if this are the leaders or hawkers at the market. Are they justifying their action? or are they trying to tell us that the late is happy with the tainting of his last journey. I kindly ask leaders and politicians in general with this kind of behaviors to stop because they are showing us how egocentric they are and this is not fair to the dead. A burial ceremony is a special occasion (sacred) and it is considered a taboo in our African traditions to showcase how good we are at abusing fellow leaders just to create a name for your self.

2. ARENA FOR POLITICS.
It is good when prominent leaders and politicians grace the last journey of the deceased, upon their arrival they are well humbled and they console the mourners in well mannered way proving their are chosen leaders. The problem arouses when given an opportunity to utter some words of consolation to the mourning audience. they will begin telling the audience of how ambitious they are, how powerful and how they plan to develop the area. They forget they are in a funeral and begin to describe their compatriots and how they are not performing in they field of work.They further tell us of how they are planning to do when elected they even tell the mourners their manifesto. for Heavens sake this is not apolitical arena but a sacred occasion, we are paying our last respect to the "late" not campaigning. Can this people draw their line and know where they are?

3.EMPTY SPEECHES.
Most of our politicians upon granted an opportunity to air out their views about the deceased they forget what they were supposed to tell the fellow mourners and they start telling the people of how they have not forgotten them ,that they are still together and yet no one asked them for this some even tell us how their sons were sick and they had spend a lot of money on their treatment. Really, is this important or is this just for their publicity stands? To us the mourners this are just empty speeches that are irrelevant and annoying. The only thing preventing us from stoning you is our humble respect the our beloved darted soul. Again this is not a podium to tell us about your private life rather a mourning and we are paying our last respect to the late. Is this how politicians pay their last homage to the late?

4.SOURCE OF DISTRACTION.
Some of this politician go to the funerals not to comfort the mourners but to show their presence, some even usually have ill motives of to distract the normal functioning of the ceremony. Their presence causes some excitement to the audience turning the calm audience into a hay wire. They arrive late and demand an opportunity to speak to the multitude and depart midway claiming they are really busy. Was is necessary for them to visit the mourners at the first place? A fter this it will take a lot of time before the calm is regained again.